How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
