Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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