At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
