Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
