I'm gonna have a badass scar
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
