i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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