I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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