using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
