I think I died a long time ago.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
