i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
