all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
