just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
