We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
