I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
