Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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