You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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