And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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