Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
