There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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