Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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