i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Green mimosas i think yes
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
