I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
