yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
