fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
