So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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