I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize