How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
