I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
