nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
