I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
