I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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