we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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