When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
