??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
