the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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