Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
