Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
