I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
