Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
