Little spoons don't ask big questions
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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