After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
