Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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