Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
