How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
