my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
