so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
MIDGETS
????
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
