life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
