Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
