Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
