I think scott just propositioned me for sex
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
