I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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