70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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