Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
