i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
