I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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