Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
