the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
