I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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